Insert Title Here
by Seven Half
Summary: (FF6) Edgar invites the gang at the castle! Wacky hijinks ensue on the cyber internet eWeb virtual cyber internet surfing web internet virtual web! Chp. 4: IMPERIAL NIPPLES
1. Default Chapter

INSERT TITLE HERE  
By Seven ½  
Chapter 1  
  
Starring:  
Everyone in the cast of Final Fantasy 6 because I am far too  
lazy to list them all. Also omg i hate my mom becuz she wants  
meh to clean meh room!!`1also i sound liek trailor trash cuz  
its kyoooot also sephiroth is HOTT!!~! ^_^  
  
(Author's note: This not not a parody, it is OBVIOUSLY real, so please flood my email with dozens of OMG u SUKK hotmail messages!)  
  
It was a hot and sandy day in Figaro, and this was also a very cliched beginning because I can't come up with anything else. So, where was I? Oh, yes. Figaro Castle. Edgar was in the throne room, admiring himself in a small mirror, stroking his silky and shiny and very blonde hair and giggling to himself like a schoolgirl because how handsome he was. Recently he had sent invitations to all of the Returners for a reunion, since it was almost a year after that clown person was defeated. What was his name? Oh, yes, Kefka. Anyway, he was dead and I have no idea what happened afterward because I couldn't get past that stupid boss with like the three parts in it and I used my really weak party and I died.  
  
Anyway, everyone got an invitation, even Shadow, who was dead. The messenger bird just landed on his grave and pooped. The white gunk just slid around and then dried up like some sort of drying thing. The bird that was headed towards Triangle Island was snatched in mid-air by the Zone Eater.  
  
Meanwhile, in the Colloseum, Ultros was angsting. The great purple cephalopod pulled up his many tentacles and huddled in the corner, sobbing softly, which if you heard an octopus sob, it'd sound kind of like a dying porcupine that was also having an orgasm. But anyway, his second tentacle groped around for a pocket knife. The fifth reached out for a bottle of pills. He thought, "CRAP!" because the bottle was empty. Chupon had already eaten all the pills; miraciously, the bloated pink monster had survived. He thought, "CURSE HIM FOR RUINING MY RELEASE FROM THIS HORRIBLE HORRIBLE LIFE, THIS DREADFUL PUPPET ON STRINGS AND DARK NIGHTS OF ROSES AND FLOWERS AND FAGGY PRANCING VAMPIRES!!"  
  
Then a man wearing armor skipped in. He said in a high- pitched and very effeminate voice, "Did you say 'dark knight'? I'm Cecil Harvey, flamingly gay Lunarian, at your service!" Ultros ate him. It still did not quell his intense and edgy angst, which was also very, very edgy. Just like Edge the ninja, but edgier and with less bad breath .  
After that, he sobbed into a silk handkerchief and begin making slits across his nonexistant wrists, pus and blood spilling out like buckets full of ice that clattered onto the street like some sort of clattering thing, and then the ice hit Old Man Wilbert's head and crap now I'm in trouble better stop writing BRB  
  
Okay, I'm back. R & R PLZZ IF I DONT GET 600 REVIEWS I WILL KILL MYSELF. YOU'LL ALL BE SORRY I SWEAR AND NO MOM I WILL NOT CLEAN MY ROOM XDXXDD ^.~  
  
Back at the castle, Edgar was reading a fine piece of literature which involved buxom women baring their bloated, ZZZ cup breasts with nipples the size of tuna fish. He was surprised when he saw none other than Locke Cole, the treasure-hunter of panties, standing in the hallway. The light filtered in and his puny, skinny figure was cast in shadow, which made things look really cool and dramatic and stuff. Edgar suddenly felt his peepee pushing up against his trousers. At the same time, a million ditzy and brainless fangirls all fainted at the same time before rushing off to make livejournal icons of Edgar and Locke making out on their illegal copy of Paint Shop Pro 7, while adding in sluggish animations, fancy borders, unneeded lines, and obnoxious blinking crap that could send a small ape into epileptic seizures.  
  
Too bad for the fangirls, since they didn't make out. All Locke did was steal Edgar's penis and shove it into his pocket. When I typed the word 'pocket', I always put in 'penis' instead, but everyone knows how silly it is to put a penis in a penis. After all, where would the other one go?  
  
Meanwhile, in the Colloseum, Chupon was attempting to comfort Ultros.  
"Fungaaaah, fungah fun-gaaaaah, gaaah fungah, fungah fungaaah," pleaded Chupon, his horrendous and creepy eyes welling with smelly tears that threatened to crawl out like some sort of crawling thing, and slide down his greasy, rubbery pink hide. His other head was also crying, but more loudly, and it made some freakish gibbering howl.  
  
"No, my hideous friend," said the octopus royalty gravely. "It is my time to die, and nothing will be able to stop it because I'm all philosophical and shit. That's just how it works, so if you excuse me, I'm gonna go talk to Mr. Knife." Chupon sniffled, mucus dripping out of his flaring nostrils, and a small particle of dust crept into the open holes, which caused him to sneeze. Ultros was blown away, and he crashed through the walls, leaving a few holes and a dead puppy.  
  
"Jesus, Guy, would you stop shedding all over the place?" complained Maria to the two others, who were conveniently in the Colloseum for some reason, even though they were in a completely different game. Firion just stood there and wanked, seeing as how he's the prototype of Tidus. At that time, Emperor Paramecia skipped in, singing about how wonderful flowers smelled. Ultros went crashing through the walls and smashed the poor horned imperal person-type thing, which caused a small black box with a white border to pop up and say, "Ultros - Paramecia", and another that said, "203 damage".  
  
"Damnit, isn't it enough that I was killed two times?!" the emperor wanked. Firion nodded his head to this, then continued making gurgling noises and sticking his hand into the electric sockets in the walls. There was rubble all over the room, and Ultros was sitting on top of Paramecia. Biggs and Wedge were crushed under the rubble, and they were dead because they always die in every game they're on llloolololol itz soooo funy ^___^_^_^_^_^_^_ XDX DDX XDXD  
  
END OF CHAPTER ONE PLZ REVIEW OR ELSE I WILL DIE KTHX NO FLAMES PLZ LOL XD XD 


	2. People Arrive

INSERT TITLE HERE

By Seven ½

Chapter 2

Starring:

PEOPLE LOL

                Barney sighed in despair as he sat on the barstool, his plush and purple body leaning against the counter's smooth surface. His tiny, unporportioned hands made circles on it, and he looked deeply at the reflection that gazed back with a vacant, grinning stare. He sighed deeply once more, and through the broken window he saw the glowing moon.

            He brooded in his dinosaur mind. Baby Bop had gone the way that she could never return; he shuddered as the image came to mind. The little green triceratops, stumbling home with a gash in her arm from a dirty needle she used to inject herself with heroin. Her eyes were glassy and full of red veins, as well as having bags underneath them that were large enough to stuff a labrador retreiver in them. Her once plush green body was now the thin, emaciated figure of a drug addict. She was also wearing a ripped, skanky outfit that showed her shrivelled up breasts (even though she's not even full grown but I added this in so that all the furries could pound the puppy [LOL get it cause they HUMP ANIMALS!!`1] to it) because her mother died and she became a whore in her grief.

            TJ was no help, either. He had become a raging alcoholic, and Barney could remember one night when he pressed his massive violet head against the door. He was shouting at her horrible things; she was unworthy, she was a skanky 'ho, she belonged in the kitchen. All of these words echoed inside of his guilt-ridden carnium. His friend beat his sister ...

      Barney sighed once more and looked down at his left hand, which was malformed and shaped like a mitten. Besides that, he was holding a pistol. He had a cigarette in his two-toothed mouth. The smoke rose up, dissipating in the empty, abandoned bar. He pressed the firearm to his head, and closed his glassy, cowlike eyes. Tonight would be the day that his life ended.

            After this, the author self-inserted herself into this piece of crap fiction. She tore off the blonde-streaked-with-blue Mary Sue wig and the violet contact lenses, as well as the skintight stereotypical teen clothing that said 'Angel' and 'Devil' on it, even though those two terms are contradictory.  She also took off the cat ear headband. She threw up her arms (as in raising them rapidly, it's not like she ate her arms, then vomited them up) and said, "What the hell? I don't remember writing Barney angst fiction. This is Final Fantasy."

            Anyway, the castle. Locke had arrived the earliest. Locke and Edgar were making out furio - I mean, 'talking'. Yeah, that's it. Talking. They giggled at each other about their plans. "When Celes-poo gets here, I'm going to soooo embarass her," snickered Edgar in a teenybopperish voice. "I am going to pour ice in her panties, then steal all her pads so that she ends up spurting out menstrual fluid all over the floor like a crimson geyser, only it's less steamy and has more big huge clots of black stuff! Mew-hoo-hoo-hoo-hooooo!"

            Locke winced at Edgar's horrible evil laughter, which the king took as a compliment. He made a flamboyant gesture, which involved having limp wrists. Also, I'd like you all to know that I really, really like ham. I just realized that I was wearing my pants backwards, and I'm like,  LOL, and I turned them around while shuffling and grunting and making noises.

            "Um," replied the thief. "Wouldn't that be really messy?"

            "Nonsense!" shrieked Edgar shrilly like an outraged, effeminate furry who found that his robot animal inflation foot fetish website guestbook was full of Goatse and Tubgirl images at nine in the morning. "Besides, I hired a janitor. A very nice young lad, a bit sullen, but he'll do fine. I think his name was Ultros, and he had a very strange friend who was a marvelous shade of pink."

            "Ultros, eh?" remarked Locke. "Isn't he that octopus dude who kept annoying us but then worked as a receptionist when the world ended?"

            "Yep."

            "Holy crap, you're an idiot."

            Just then, the two extremly homosexual men (three if you counted Cecil standing in the corner, drinking punch with his pink extended in a very fancy manner, his helmet off and his luxurious, beautiful blonde hair with purple highlights flowing down his shoulders, and his genetilia flapping in the harsh desert wind and - okay, I'll stop now) heard the loud swooshing noise of the Falcon landing in the courtyard of the castle, as well as a few screams of "MY LEG!" from a guard who didn't get out of the way soon enough. They gave a lustful glance at each other and knew that Setzer Gabianni, world famous gambler and boozemonster, had gotten the invitation and was now here. They also heard a few other noises from the punch table which resembled moaning, but nevermind that.

            They decided to go outside to greet him, walking sassily with their manly hips swaying and they held their hands, at least until they got outside. Otherwise the guards would look at them oddly because OMG HOTHOTTHOT YAOI ^___^ FONDLING MY FLABBY, CHAIR-SIZED BREASTS NOW!!1`11 the guards were EVIL HOMOPHOBIC KKK NAZIS WHO DON'T UNDERSTAND TROO WUV. Cecil cheered them on, then took another sip of the delicious punch which was as fruity as him and was a combination of apple, grape, pineapple, and kiwi. Mmmmm.

            Setzer came out of the airship, swaggering and reeking of rum, and also waving to them drunkenly. His beautiful flowing hair was messy and smelled of man-juice. How Edgar and Locke could tell from around ten feet away, I have no idea, but it must've been enriched by asparagus. They found that he was not alone, and they waved back at him. Meanwhile, the author was just standing there like a moron in the middle of it all, muttering about how pants are conspiring against her and trying to kill various minorities. Looming behind Setzer and in shadow so that it would be all dramatic and cool and mysterious and stuff were a pair of glinting yellow eyes that were also really stupid. At first they thought it was Ultros, but it was too hairy to be Ultros. It was Umaro, the yeti pimp.

            The other people on board were Mog, Terra (who was covered in drool and odd smelling white substances), Sabin, Strago, Relm, Gau, and Celes. Cyan was too busy doing creepy middle-aged ponytail man stuff like searching the internet for pedophilic drawings. Gogo was still nowhere in sight. They all hugged each other in manly ways.

            Suddenly, out of nowhere, Celes began to sob violently. She fell onto her knees, sobbing and crying. Everyone else was already inside and having a big 'talk'. Edgar was really disgusted when he first saw Celes because she had gained 200 pounds and grew freak facial hair and neglected to shave. She was sobbing, and sobbing, and gravy rolled down her face. She was sobbing so much that she was farting furiously. Eventually, the farts ripped a hole in her circus-tent white stretchy pants and they were now tinged with brown. She didn't even notice this because she was sobbing so much. The gas had so much pressure in it, that it lifted her 300 pound body into the air, little tooting noises sustaining her as she hovering around, sobbing and farting and spinning around like an acrobatic monkey on a trampoline. Also, one time I was on a trampoline and I accidently went too high and I saw my house and then I fell off, caught my foot in between the springs, was pinched, and my head hit the ground. God, it hurt.

            "CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG!" chanted everyone in unison, with Cecil occasionally adding in a "you go, girl!" and slapping his tight, toned bottom. Umaro and Strago were having a maple-syrup-and-ham chugging contest. Even Ultros cheered on even though his tentacles were lined with cuts from the day before, and Chupon wanted to wrap his manly pink arms around the octopus, but his arms were too stringy and short so he settled with a loving glance, and if you saw him do that, you'd think that he wanted to eat a fetus. Strago was passed out on the floor, his stomach bulging out dangerously, syrup and little bits of ham streaming out of his open mouth and forming a puddle on the floor as he lay comatose. Umaro raised his hands in the universal "ditzy, hyperactive Japanese schoolgirl making a peace sign and winking" signal in victory. Maple syrup was caked up in his fur.

END OF CHAPTER 2 PLZ REVIEW OR ELSE I RELY WILL KIL MYSELF YOULL BE SORY AND ALSO NO FLAMES OR CRITICISM BECUZ I WANNA STAGNATE AND NEVER IMPROVE AND HAVE A LITTLE CIRCLEJERK OLL!~!!111


	3. The MarySue

INSERT TITLE HERE

By Seven ½

Chapter 3

Starring: people 

            Everyone cheered Umaro on as he made the ditzy gesture, then reverted back to doing more useful things, such as grunting and scratching his thickly furred and very infested back. Strago was still passed out on the floor, and was slowly turning very pale. Relm shrieked as she stood in front of the old man. "Someone, help Gramps! I can't pull him myself - eww, my hand's all STICKY now! Gross!" She stretched her arms as faraway from her face as she could as the viscous maple syrup slid down her dainty little girlchild-fingers. Instead, everyone just stood there, pointing and laughing heartily like a piece of cheesecake.

            For some reason, Celes was back to normal now, as if nothing had ever happened. It might've been magic, but then again, magic was gone now. Nevermind that. Edgar snickered like a devious little schoolgirl, rubbing his hands together and twirling his long and curly moustache. Realizing that he doesn't even have a moustache, the king tears it off to find that it has been attached to his upper lip by means of spirit gum. It could have only been one person: "SABIN! CURSE YOU! I WANT YOUR MANLY BODY CLOSE TO ME!" he blurted out, which surprised everyone who was standing near him, which was everyone except for Relm and Strago. Umaro was grunting for directions to the bathroom from a guard, who blinked and then shrugged.

            "Ha ha, brother! I will crush your very devious and cunning plans of embarassing Celes!" said Sabin, who was hanging on a roof like a ninja. If Shadow was alive, he would've sued him. If you've seen a big, huge burly man with muscles stacked on top of each other like delicious pancakes hanging on a roof, you'd be pretty freaked out. And this is a man who is so grossly muscled that even his nipples have the ability to flex their gigantic biceps with anchor tattoos on them. Even his hair is muscular. He has muscles on top of muscles, which is physically impossible unless he has some sort of very odd cancerous tumor growing on top of them, but that's a whole different story. Not to mention that he has a long and flowing rat-tail that drooped in shame compared to Edgar's pretty hair.

            Edgar looked up only to find Sabin's very muscular bottom flat on his face. The muscles on his butt began to savagely beat on his beautiful and handsome face, his left cheek smacking him to the left, the other to the right. Both cheeks moved as a seperate entity, knocking him back and forth until Edgar had twelve back eyes. After this was finished, Sabin's butt cheeks grasped around Edgar's neck like an elephant's trunk and lifting him up as Sabin stood. Everyone else was just gaping in awe, even Cecil, who had ceased to hit on one of the castle guards (who was blushing furiously) and watched silently, all the time thinking about how cute Kain was and how he'd love to squeeze him in some fangirl's yaoi story, but that's a whole different story. Besides, fangirls tend to leave the older games alone because they can't appreciate the 16x16 sprites with only two frames of animation and no standing pose.

            But then ... the most horrible thing happened. A very skinny and dainty figure (not Locke's) came bursting in through the door, the sunlight filtering behind her and casting her into a sihouette which was very dramatic. She walked out of the shadows. Now I will spend around a few long paragraphs describing every single detail down to the pores on her skin, which was perfect and white and like porcelin, because I'd really love to have a hammer right about now. Her hair was perfect and straight and somewhat wavy. It was purple and had yellow and black and red and green streaks in it. Her eyes were rainbow and changed colors every 5 seconds if you had a stopwatch. She wore stereotypical punk/kandy raver/goth clothes, which included a black shirt that said 'Rebel' on it. HAHAHA. Her name was Serenity Darkstar, and she was the bastard lovechild of Bahamut and Kefka. Don't ask me. She was also half-esper, had a magic necklace, was in love with Locke, and the key to saving the world, even though it was already saved. She was the foulest creature to exist: The Mary Sue.

            "Uhhh!" moaned Cecil. "I'm having menstrual cramps!" Everyone just stared at him for a moment, including the Mary-Sue, and they thought it was silly and wacky because the Paladin was a man. A man in blue dragoon armor, Kain, slid by the Sue and grabbed Cecil by the shoulder. Edgar was slightly jealous because the dragoon had a nicer ponytail than him, but currently he was still wedged in between his brother's buttocks, so he couldn't really do anything. Cecil sniffled as Kain dragged him out of the castle, bribing him with sex and ice cream on the way out. Everyone was confused for a moment. Strago was still passed out, and Relm had gone to get a blanket.

            Then Serenity pointed at Sabin, her magical emerald diamond necklace swinging as she did so. "You! Unhand my love!"

            Sabin blinked. "Uhh, I thought you liked Locke." All eyes were cast on the treasure-hunter, who then whimpered and moved away. When the Sue first entered, he had been slowly inching away.

            "No he's not," scoffed Serenity. "He raped me and was mean to me, so I was like, angsting! I need Edgar to show me true love, even though in real life, rape victims a very uncomfortable and traumatized and wouldn't fall into the arms of a man she just met right after being brutally raped and beaten!"

            "Riiiiight ..."

            Then, at that very moment, Strago leapt to his feet. He was still covered in syrup and small chunks of ham that was going cold, but he wasn't bloated anymore. In a split second, he grabbed his rod and smacked the Sue over the head with it. Fortunately, Sues are not immune to surprise attacks, so she crumpled onto the floor with a concussion. Everyone cheered. Umaro was in the bathroom, sitting on the toilet while humming a tune and reading the newspaper. A guard who was standing outside was trembling and shuddering.

            Sabin just stood there with his brother's head still wedged in between the crack of his butt. After a moment of confusion, he then returned to what he was doing before. He leapt up into the air with unmatched grace and skill, did a flip, then landed on the ground before smacking Edgar to the ground and then standing up. He bowed in a gentlemanly manner, and everyone clapped. Relm hugged her grandfather, who then molested her with his rod, and she merely giggled and remarked about how silly he was. Locke came out of hiding after realizing the Sue was out cold, and Terra held up a '9.9' sign. Umaro wandered out of the hallway, rolled-up newspaper tucked in the crook of his arm and a whole roll of toilet paper trailing off his furry foot and rolling backwards as he moved. Upon seeing the Sue on the floor, Umaro exclaimed very eloquently: "Uuuurrrrarhh! Uuuuuuu, ugh, ooohhrrnrn, ARRGGHHG!" and then smacked her head with the newspaper. Her head then exploded in a shower of blood and grey matter, and all that was left after that was the stump of her neck. Everyone was silent again until Terra held up the sign again.

            Just outside the courtyard, a gigantic worm burst out, causing a small earthquake and crushing the guard who had just managed to escape from the wreckage of the airship with only one leg. Interestingly enough, the guard's name was Biggs. Ultros was also blown away while he had been mopping the ground clean of blood, then he sobbed and ran into Chupon's manly arms. Anyway, the worm. It was really, really big and its mouth was round and ringed with teeth. It opened. The whole gang of Returners went outside to see. Then a figure stepped out from the mouth into the daylight, waving a letter in its hand. It was Gogo, who was fashionably late. They all began to laugh for no reason, and Gogo was lowered to the ground and stepped off.

"hay guys whats going on in this castle," asked Gogo.

END OF CHAPTER 3 PLZ REVIEW OR ILL DIE LOLl


	4. Bump in the Night

INSERT TITLE HERE

By Seven ½

Chapter 4

Starring: people 

                The sun began to dip down the horizon, completely pissed off because the moon owed it ten dollars. As an act of vengance, it furiously spat out rays of searing hot light that spread out across the lower sky and smacked peoples' eyes until they cried and ran off into the shadows. Meanwhile, the moon was chasing off the sun with a handgun and calling it a "foo'". Then the moon perched itself high up in the dark sky and just sat there. Also, did I mention that it was night now?

            Most of the Returners had set up sleeping bags of various sizes and patterns (although Strago was somewhere in the hospital wing), except for Edgar, who was in his big fancy bedroom, curled up in a fetal position in his bed, sucking his thumb while cuddling a teddy bear and wiggling his toes in his polka-dotted feetie pajamas. Since I'm too clumsy and unarticulate to describe the layout, I'll make a crude ASCII picture.

            | Locke | | Terra | |Sabin|   |Celes||Mog| |Umaro| |Relm| |Gau|   |Setzer|

                                                                        |Gogo|

            Anyway, they were all asleep. For some reason, Mog was being a complete pervert, and slept snuggled up underneath Celes' pendulous breasts, emitting a 'kupo' every now and then. Umaro snorted and grunted, occasionally scratching his furry bottom and twitching. Sabin shouted out, "Z!" with incredible volume in between each breath. Besides all that, it was very quiet, and not even a mentally deficient, three-legged mouse clumsily stumbled around.

            Suddenly, Gogo shot up from its multicolored sleeping bag, though thankfully it didn't shoot itself up into the ceiling, because ceilings are solid and bashing your body parts against solid objects hurts a lot because the atoms in your body are crushed together and have nowhere to go, which also hurts. Anyway, back to the mime. Gogo then pushed the cover off, and walked over towards Setzer and his snazzy black 'bag that was decorated with little stitched-on dice and coins.

            "Setzer! Seeeetzer! Wake up!" said Gogo in a hurried voice, shaking the gambler awake. He rose up like a zombie, grunting and wiping the mucus that encrusted on the corners of his eyes.

            "What do you want?"

            "I had a COOL dream!" squealed the mime. It bounced up and down excitedly.

            "Do you really think that I'd be inte -"

            "YOU WILL LISTEN AND YOU WILL LIKE IT, THUS THE FIRES OF HELL REACH UP AND LICK AT YOUR FEET, BURNING THEM AWAY LIKE DELICIOUS CHICKEN ON A BARBEQUE!" roared Gogo with sudden malice. There was evil laughter and the sound of flames in the background. Soon, though, the serene atmosphere of the castle returned, and nobody woke up, even Sabin, who had shouted various letters of the alphabet all throughout the conversation. Setzer surrendered, and Gogo went on.

            "Anyway," it continued, "I had a cool dream. You, Terra, Locke, and Celes were all standing around in the middle of nowhere, and it was dark. Then, suddenly, there was an earthquake and you all passed out, and when you woke up, you were sealed in a bunch of tubes right where you were standing, and then you were gone, but then suddenly your airship swooped in and rescued everyone, and then you went up to Kefka's tower, which was floating and made of brick for some reason and then when you got inside, this puppy came out and attacked you every two seconds, and no matter how many times you killed it, it came back and then I woke up and then I came and told you about the cool dream that I had about how you, Terra, Locke, and -"

            "You're going around in circles."

            "Whoops. I got carried away." Then it sobbed. "It was the RUN-ON sentences! It was THEIR fault!" After that, it got up and walked back to its sleeping bag and passed out on the rug in a puddle of its own vomit and urine.

            The rest of the night was pretty much boring. Sabin kept rolling around and grunting, with an occasional moan, but that stopped when Gau stuffed a pillow in his mouth, then continued to dream about meat. However, Locke suddenly woke up, took off his shirt, then felt around his smooth man-chest. Where his nipples used to be, there were now only two empty pits with some wrinkly stuff and blood in them. He then shrieked wildly, "MY NIPPLES ARE GONE!!!"

            With that, the lights flickered on and everyone woke up, then came rushing to Locke's side and tried to decipher his hysterical screaming. It wasn't too much better when Gogo kept mimicking it, and soon the commotion woke up Edgar in the other room, and he came lumbering in with his feetie pajamas still on, rubbing his eyes and feeling at his stubbly six o' clock shadow. Locke leapt up and shouted, "I MUST LOOK FOR THEM! YOU! LOOK! WE MUCH SEARCH!" He sobbed, then Celes and Terra comforted him and offered to borrow their nipples for a day, but Locke refused and said that he only wanted his own and also that Setzer was sexy.

            And so the group went through the whole castle, looking for the elusive mammary glands, but found no evidence for a few hours. They were all startled, grumpy, and very tired from being woken up in the middle of the night, but these were Locke's nipples we were talking about here. They were more important than dumb ol' sleep. The Returners snooped under fireplaces, searched between shelves, behind various furniture, under potted plants, and under rugs, but couldn't find any evidence.

            Meanwhile, Gogo and Umaro were searching down one of the many hallways when suddenly Umaro stopped and grunted. "Uurrrrarragh! Uuuuuu, uauruarrrrrrrrhhhhhhharrrn!" The sasquatch lifted up his foot to see the bottom of it, which was very ape-like and had some blood smeared into it.

            The mime now had a lightbulb over its head, which nearly blinded Umaro. "Sorry," it said. But it kneeled down and peered steadily at the blood. It then shouted, "Aha!", which startled the yeti even more. "This must be what one of the nipples left behind after it tore itself from the treasure-hunter's body!" It then looked down the hallway and, indeed, found a thin, piddly trail of blood that led into Edgar's chambers. The two followed it.

            The main group was still looking around, and they, too, found a blood trail, thanks to Gau, who kept shouting about meat and how delicious it was. They had to restrain him to stop him from licking it all off of the stone surface, and then followed it. Suddenly, Setzer saw something pinkish zoom by, as did Celes. She screeched, thinking that it was a streaking rat of some sort. "SOMEONE GET IT!" she shouted, then tried looking for her sword so she could smack it, but she left it somewhere else. Well, that didn't work.

            With lightning-quick reflex, Setzer turned around and stamped on the object with his fancy black boot. It made a resounding sickening sqqqqquiiccck noise, and it fell limp. He looked down and saw that he had stepped on one of Locke's nipples. He didn't care. "Damn nipple," was all that he said.

            Locke was furious. "YOU CRUSHED IT! I HATE YOU!" He cried, and then he knelt down and picked up the nipple gently, with various sniffling and sobbing noises emitting from his mouth. Setzer remarked how he should be the one yelling, as his boot was now ruined by nipple blood, and so walked off to the nearby merchants to get it fixed. Locke then shoved the nipple onto his chest, and it fit perfectly. However, there was something odd about the nipple: It was wearing a little uniform. Then the group went off to find the other one.

            Umaro and Gogo ran into Edgar's room, and the closer they got, the more noise there was. There seemed to be a crowd of some sort inside. The door was also locked and closed. The mime put the side of its head to the wall, despite the mask over its head that muffled its hearing. It could hear talking of very high-pitched voices. It looked to Umaro. "There's something going on. Punch the door in or something."

            The yeti nodded, grunted, then scratched his furry butt for a moment. After that, he drooled and stared blankly until Gogo smacked him in the arm. Then he grunted and said, "Umaro only take order from Mog." Gogo smacked itself, then continued listening.

            Conveniently, Mog waddled up to Umaro, smacked him around, and said, "Punch the door open, kupo!" The yeti obeyed, thrust his fist into the wooden surface, and the door came tumbling down. It fell over and landed on something soft, which caused many sickening sqqqqquiiiiiiiill noises to sound out. The three blinked, then marched in on top, which crushed whatever was under there more. They were surprised by the scene that they saw:

            The floor of Edgar's room was lined with rows and rows of nipples of various colors, shapes, and sizes, all in little uniforms and helmets with little horn things on the sides. Standing on top of a stool and a pile of books was a very large nipple that wore a general's outfit and had a small, squarish black moustache. It shouted out orders to the minions, who then flipped about, jumped, and marched around in unison. Gogo, Umaro, and Mog were interrupting Imperial Nipple training! So the Empire was NOT dead! What would they do? All the nipples turned around and faced them as they burst in and crushed their comrades. They all made soprano squealing noises. The head nipple shouted, "STOP!!" and all the soldiers went quiet. There was an awkward silence for a while.

            Then Locke came bursting in, as he had separated from the rest of the group and had heard the commotion. His eyes widened at all the mammary glands that stood there, and he shoved his way in front of the three who stood there dopily. He was shirtless, and the nipple that was latched onto his chest broke free and joined the ranks of the other troops. The head nipple shouted another order: "AWM YOUWSEWVES!" it said in a high-pitched voice. All the nipples drew out tiny guns. Descending from the roofs were nipples in tiny MagiTek armor.

            "Holy crap," was all that Locke said.

END OF CHAPTER 4!!1111 WILL THE RETURNERS CRUSH THE NIPPLE ARMY? OR WILL THEY DIE? I DON'T REALLY CARE BECAUSE OMG MY HANDS HURT AND R R PLZ LOL!!!!


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